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adventures with school

little legs has gone on her first activity residential with school and I have been eagerly waiting for the photos on the school website, anticipating exciting shots of her canoing, climbing, doing archery and caving and going down the zip line, but  after scouring through them daily I have only found one…yes…one…photo of little legs in action……see below!

yes! the one and only shot of her throughout the whole weekend and ……..she is eating a biscuit! 


missing something

there often comes a time  when you feel like there is something missing, this is one of those times, my heart hurts, my soul is crying, I have all this unchannelled restlessness with nowhere to take it….time to search for a long term solution, but in which direction? 

your light went out

whilst I slept, I had left you with a kiss and a hug, then went back for another adter you whispered ” Thank you for looking after me” I knew then, in my heart, that it wouldn’t be long. As I kissed you goodnight I asked you to get so e rest as you had been awake most the last two nights whilst I sat with you holding back the tears at your discomfort with your lot. You said you would and I asked you to promise…” I promise” you said, and you kept your word as you slipped into enternal sleep. Its been 21 days since you slipped away quietly, 21 days where things seem on a tilt. We had your service and cremation last week bit that went by in a dull haze. Your ashes are now back at hime and things seemed to shift a little again. Now we need to learn to live without you

Sleep tight x

a precious couple of hours

Spent with you today, just you and me. We pushed the illness that is quickly taking you from us, aside to enjoy one of the best afternoons we have had in a long time, you were on form today, with your quick wit and toothless grin and that cheeky  chuckle,  how it warmed my heart to see that smile hit your beautiful tired eyes, I pray for more days like this before we have to close down the curtains that keep you on this side of awareness. I love you 

in the darkness

Watching you sleep, counting the breaths, the coughs, the sighs, praying there will be a next one, and a next yet wishing it was the last for you,  holding your frail hand, the one that used to be so strong I feel my misery trickle down my face. It’s hard to be so strong, to put a smile on my face and make small talk with you when my insides a crumbling away slowly and oh so painfully. Fully aware that your span is coming to a close and fearing the end. I love you

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waiting for it to strike again

after the treatment things looked a little better, it had shrunk, the time to decide the next step was here but an infection put that on hold for a week or two. Mri scan yesterday and appointment with doctor jane today will give more insight as to how far this parasite has now travelled. Scary times, worrying times….for all of us, does he take further treatment and be ill anyway with no possible guarentee of an extension? or does he decline and give himself limited time? At the moment he seems to be in good health as daft as that sounds. 

I really wouldn’t want to be in his place with this monumental choice to make. My heart breaks for him, it breaks for me and it breaks for my family

the hammer blow

the moment the words are said, is the exact moment your breath is taken away, its like being sucked into a whirlpool of silence, colours rotating around your spinning vision. Your chest is heavy and you feel the helplessness bear down on your shoulders, condensing somewhere around your middle, forming into a huge knot of nausea. You want to run, but thise words hold you firmly to the spot, your mind is telling you there is no point in running anyway, those words will only go with you, their meaning will not be changed.mYou manage to raise a hand, grasping through the heavy air to find something to cling to, something with substence, but there is nothing, just those words echoing loudly, driving home their meaning, you try to shut them out as the tears start to choke in your throat, you gasp for breath as the numbness evolves to be replaced by an all consuming heartache, your heart literally feels like it is shattering into peaces, the hammer head of the words striking hard and sure. The end of your world as you know it.

2.22  and awake 

I have often read, that the times you wake are significant, and as I am waking at silly o’clock again I am going to be making a note of the times to see if any sort of pattern emerges.

What I will do with the information then hasn’t occured to me yet! 

I am also sat here in bed debating if I should get up and go outside to see if I can see any of the meteorites that should still be giving a display. I’ve not seen one of them this year. 

What do you do when awake in the small hours and do yo look for the reasons why you have woken? 

wishing on a star

It’s one of those nights when I would love to be lying on a hillside all wrapped up in big woolies watching the night sky for the comets that are due to skim across like pebbles on a lake. I would love to be laid there with you, held tight, to believe for a few short hours that things are all good . I would love to feel carefree, just for a while, free from worry and heartache. The pkastic smile on my face is beginning to hurt. The hidden tears scald the back of my eyes. The fear of the future has me gripped so tightly I can barely breath.

How I would love to be laid on a hillside, watching the night sky …….

Natalie Breuer

Natalie. Writer. Photographer. Etc.

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