whispersinthenightsky

a learning curve

the end of the first year

well Da, here we are, where my journey without you began. My heart and mind has learnt a few new tricks during this particular year of firsts, some healthy but most not. How do you let go of something that has been a mainstay in my life for so long? I cam’t, so I hold in the tears, the fears, the pain. Knowing it’s not the right thing to do but witn no arms to hold me whilst I let it go I daren’t let slip, it’s too immense.

so, here ends this year of firsts, and this day the pain is just as overwhelming as this day last year. I will continue on my lifes journey, as thats what I know you want me to do, but something irreplaceble is missing.

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birthdays and cake

little legs has just had her 10th birthday, the years are flying by in a blur, we will be choosing a high school for her this year for her to start there in 2019. She is changing from a delightfully funny charasmatic little girl to a teenager with about as much subtulty as an atom bomb! our world has gone from some semblense of order to drama and dreams and trying to find a happy medium of order but allowing freedom of choice and recognising that actions have consequences without being too overbearing. 

I love this child with all my heart and hope i do her proud in guiding her to her adult years

first christmas without you

this time last year you were bed bound,  the month of December flew by and all the while we were desperately grasping the seconds, minutes, hours, trying to stop the steady forward march towards you keaving us. we couldn’t, time still ticked on at its regular, steady beat. we made preparationsfor Christmas day lunch, bought the presents for the kids and each other, not knowing if,  but hoping, you would be well enough to share it with us. at this point you had become cantankerous and grumpy, we didn’t  blame you, you were scared, it was understandable. 

this Christmas we are doing the same, making the preparations, stressing over gifts and dinner, and all the time something is still missing. my part of the family are having lunch with mum, 17 of us, the house will be packed,  but there will still be a big empty space where you shoukd be, she won’t be alone but she will be without you. it will be the opposite of last year where just a couple of us shared lunch as we thought a full house would be too much for you. we will get through this, like we have every other day since you died, its just another day in the year of firsts.

adventures with school

little legs has gone on her first activity residential with school and I have been eagerly waiting for the photos on the school website, anticipating exciting shots of her canoing, climbing, doing archery and caving and going down the zip line, but  after scouring through them daily I have only found one…yes…one…photo of little legs in action……see below!

yes! the one and only shot of her throughout the whole weekend and ……..she is eating a biscuit! 

missing something

there often comes a time  when you feel like there is something missing, this is one of those times, my heart hurts, my soul is crying, I have all this unchannelled restlessness with nowhere to take it….time to search for a long term solution, but in which direction? 

your light went out

whilst I slept, I had left you with a kiss and a hug, then went back for another adter you whispered ” Thank you for looking after me” I knew then, in my heart, that it wouldn’t be long. As I kissed you goodnight I asked you to get so e rest as you had been awake most the last two nights whilst I sat with you holding back the tears at your discomfort with your lot. You said you would and I asked you to promise…” I promise” you said, and you kept your word as you slipped into enternal sleep. Its been 21 days since you slipped away quietly, 21 days where things seem on a tilt. We had your service and cremation last week bit that went by in a dull haze. Your ashes are now back at hime and things seemed to shift a little again. Now we need to learn to live without you

Sleep tight x

a precious couple of hours

Spent with you today, just you and me. We pushed the illness that is quickly taking you from us, aside to enjoy one of the best afternoons we have had in a long time, you were on form today, with your quick wit and toothless grin and that cheeky  chuckle,  how it warmed my heart to see that smile hit your beautiful tired eyes, I pray for more days like this before we have to close down the curtains that keep you on this side of awareness. I love you 

in the darkness

Watching you sleep, counting the breaths, the coughs, the sighs, praying there will be a next one, and a next yet wishing it was the last for you, ¬†holding your frail hand, the one that used to be so strong I feel my misery trickle down my face. It’s hard to be so strong, to put a smile on my face and make small talk with you when my insides a crumbling away slowly and oh so painfully. Fully aware that your span is coming to a close and fearing the end. I love you

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waiting for it to strike again

after the treatment things looked a little better, it had shrunk, the time to decide the next step was here but an infection put that on hold for a week or two. Mri scan yesterday and appointment with doctor jane today will give more insight as to how far this parasite has now travelled. Scary times, worrying times….for all of us, does he take further treatment and be ill anyway with no possible guarentee of an extension? or does he decline and give himself limited time? At the moment he seems to be in good health as daft as that sounds. 

I really wouldn’t want to be in his place with this monumental choice to make. My heart breaks for him, it breaks for me and it breaks for my family

Natalie Breuer

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