the moment the words are said, is the exact moment your breath is taken away, its like being sucked into a whirlpool of silence, colours rotating around your spinning vision. Your chest is heavy and you feel the helplessness bear down on your shoulders, condensing somewhere around your middle, forming into a huge knot of nausea. You want to run, but thise words hold you firmly to the spot, your mind is telling you there is no point in running anyway, those words will only go with you, their meaning will not be changed.mYou manage to raise a hand, grasping through the heavy air to find something to cling to, something with substence, but there is nothing, just those words echoing loudly, driving home their meaning, you try to shut them out as the tears start to choke in your throat, you gasp for breath as the numbness evolves to be replaced by an all consuming heartache, your heart literally feels like it is shattering into peaces, the hammer head of the words striking hard and sure. The end of your world as you know it.
I have often read, that the times you wake are significant, and as I am waking at silly o’clock again I am going to be making a note of the times to see if any sort of pattern emerges.
What I will do with the information then hasn’t occured to me yet!
I am also sat here in bed debating if I should get up and go outside to see if I can see any of the meteorites that should still be giving a display. I’ve not seen one of them this year.
What do you do when awake in the small hours and do yo look for the reasons why you have woken?
It’s one of those nights when I would love to be lying on a hillside all wrapped up in big woolies watching the night sky for the comets that are due to skim across like pebbles on a lake. I would love to be laid there with you, held tight, to believe for a few short hours that things are all good . I would love to feel carefree, just for a while, free from worry and heartache. The pkastic smile on my face is beginning to hurt. The hidden tears scald the back of my eyes. The fear of the future has me gripped so tightly I can barely breath.
How I would love to be laid on a hillside, watching the night sky …….
This past week has been a very traumatic one for my family, so when things happen that that seem slightly odd and coincidental I do wonder if there is a greater force at work.
In the last three weeks I have had some sort ofcontact with three ex boyfriends, who I have had no contact with in years. Drawing me back into the past when I all want to do is concentrate on each day, here and now. The future is a little too painful to contemplate at the moment. But these flashbacks of happier times make me smile and think wistfully of what might have been. And it makes me realise what I survived then, and gives me hope that I can survive what is to come.
What an unlimiting word that is, inabilities, you would even, if you squinted at it, think it actually meant the opposite to what it does actually mean, the ability to not follow something with clear cut instructions and physical examples, the ability to not follow on in the vein that everyone else has used, the ability to not use a tried and trusted method of working.
I have the inability to understand these types of inabilities. Does that indicate that I too am limited in my scope of abilities? I know I can confuse myself in a few simple sentences 🙂 Another inability?
Every year ” that day” comes round again. I know I should be thankful that I am here to see another one, and I am, deep down. I just hate ” that day”. I don’t know why and I can’t remember a time when I did truly enjoy ” that day”.This year I will be 56, the same age my dad died, and it has had a profound effect on me this year, the black cloud began around three days ago and its just got darker and darker as ” that day” approaches. I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t like to feel like this. I am jealous when I see other members of my family really enjoy when ” that day” has arrived for them. I try, I try very hard to smile at the good wishes and gifts, lovely gifts that I treasure, after ” that day” has come and gone.
But right now my heart is heavy, my mood is sombre and quiet and down right miserable. And I hate myself for it
Many happy returns for tomorrow, for those who are also lucky to be seeing ” that day” again.
I will be fine by Saturday 🙂
It seems these last three years have been a mixture if new hellos and sad goodbyes for my family, we have had two births but 9 deaths, two of which were my mother’s brothers and both in the last 3 months.
The youngest of them we said goodbye to yesterday and the service chosen for him was a non religious one, he didn’t hold with the concept of god but of nature, he loved to be outdoors walking with his family and his dogs. The service was amazing as it reflected his personality, it was witty and had his family and friends laughing through the tears at some of the memories mentioned, and a poem was read that Had so much meaning and summed his caring side up. I have taken the liberty to print it below, I believe the author is unknown. I hope it gives some peace to those of you that take the time to read it, I shall certainly be adding it to my service plan.
Feel no guilt in laughter, he’d know how much you care.
Feel no sorrow in a smile that he is not here to share.
You cannot grieve forever; he would not want you to.
He’d hope that you could carry on the way you always do.
So, talk about the good times and the way you showed you cared,
The days you spent together, all the happiness you shared.
Let memories surround you, a word someone may say
Will suddenly re-capture a time, an hour a day,
That brings him back so clearly as though he were still here,
And fills you with the feeling that he is always near.
For if you keep those moments, you will never be apart
And he will live forever locked safely in your heart.
Unless I get up and out of bed before 7 recently I have no chance of catching the sun, so I have tweeked my time a little and go to bed earlier to rise earlier, and its working! I am now getting a little bit of sun each day to warm my poor cold bones, but its not enough for the production of vitamin d so am back on suppliments for that, amongst other things, however, my garden is thriving on the rain and little bit of sunshine……..always a silver lining
Just wish I could get warm haha
I dreamt about you last night, when you saw me through the window, emotions flashed across your face like a myriad of rainbow colours, disbelief, then shock, amazement and joy. You got out of the car and walked slowly to the door, a grin starting on your face which became a full beam by the time you stood in front of me. You opened your arms wide and wrapped them around me so my head rested against the chest I loved so much, breathing in the smell of you, feeling your arms hard, strong and tight around me…….my eyes flew open to the cold light of day, empty arms and empty heart