a learning curve

Old letters to lost loved ones

Sorting through old paper work i came across this, its a good few years old but I have realised that although I planned on shedding the pain, it still lingers in the back ground, coming out every now and again to smack me upside the head when I least expect it. One day I know, the reminders that pop up from time to time will give me happy thoughts again, not the reminder of the pain
You were only supposed to be a casual fling, something to fill in the time, fill the need a body has for human touch, to be held, to laugh with, to be loved, just for a few hours here and there, when we had the time. 

Instead, this heart of mine allowed you in,  filling me with a warmth that kept me smiling through the times we weren’t together, times when I felt so alone but knew I couldn’t call, longing for a call from you to say ‘ hey wanna meet up” , still knew it would be nothing more than what we had, I didn’t really want much more as I knew there was no future for what we had. And still, you held me tight when I needed it, you were a shoulder to rest my tired weary head against. I wanted to store these precious memories up in my head and heart to take with me when this came to its natural finish, as we both knew it would. 

You, on the other hand, had different plans, and because you didn’t have the balls to tell me that someone else was filling the need you had, making your heart beat a little faster when you thought about them, something I was no longer able to do, you stripped me of the time I had invested in you, the happy thoughts and feelings you had given were so brutally ripped from my heart. and cast to one side in a raw bleeding mess. Did you honestly not realise, even though I had told you, how I felt? did you not stop to think, that when I asked you to only ever be honest with me, because you had, we had, nothing to lose by being honest with each other, to let me down truthfully when the time came, that I was sincere in this need ? 

Yes, it would still have hurt, but it wouldn’t have had the sting of pain betrayal brings with it. We would still have been able to have been friendly if our paths met. 

Not now……..because you selfishly began something else with someone else, kept me hanging in the background to pick up now and again, when the fancy took you, Until, by chance I found out the truth, not by you telling me,  So not only did I lose the warmth and strength of your arms, your smile and the laughter, I also lost my friend.

And you? you have the guilt of all that on your shoulders, carry it well for it will be with you a long time. You hurt me in a way that wasn’t neccessary, un called for and down right cruel.

As you move forward in your life I hope you realise the new relationship you have started is based on lies and deceit, that will sit in your heart and your mind, and fester. It will eventually destroy what you may have, because you have already sullied it before it really begun. 

Betrayal starts the moment someone trusts, and you do not respect that trust. 

I, on the other hand, can move forward, I will shed these feelings of complete and utter despair, I will grieve the loss of what we had, the loss of you, and because at the end of it all, I will question what did I really have? and the answer to that would be? 


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