a learning curve

New Year New Start or just a continuation of the old……

Sitting here with tears on my cheeks feeling really down and lonely and wondering what shall I make of next year?
What I would really like is to go to sleep and not wake up, or wake up and be happy in myself no matter what, two things that seem to evade me no matter how I try, yes I know, the first one I could accomplish with the taking of a handful of pills, so because I don’t does that mean I don’t really want to? inside my head I tell myself I don’t want to be the cause of any pain and upset to my family, would they be upset? yes! for a while, but they would also be angry, and my purpose in life is not to cause my family grief, besides, I have always claimed that people who take that route are ultimately selfish, whenI am thinking rationallyt, but I do also know that they must be in the depths of despair, can see no other option to go that route,  so I can’t quite be at that bottom rung can I?

So, for me, it seems the second option should be the one that I should be achieving, yet it seems unmanageable, impossible, but why do I find it so difficult? I say to myself each night as I lay in my bed crying and longing for someone to just hold me, that in the morning I will shed these dark thoughts, shake my tail, and plaster a smile on my face, after all, if you do it often enough it should rub off at some point, shouldn’t it?

Am I just feeling sorry for myself? maybe……but then wouldn’t I be able to get past these feelings? Wouldn’t I be able to shrug off this weight on my shoulders that is so physical it hurts? So, while I have to agree, some of it is that I feel sorry for myself I really can’t blame that on it all.

Has the loss of my love caused me to feel this way? yes, in some parts, losing someone you love, especially when you don’t know why, is very hard to take, just another rejection on top of all the others, but this again is not the root of it, cos I have lost many people in my life that I cared about and always managed to cry my way out of it eventually, this time it just seems a bigger hurdle than I can manage, maybe other times I have set myself some sort of goal to work towards and this time I haven’t, I can’t summon up the energy, its hard enough just getting through the day I am in never mind thinking of days in front. I want to take charge of my life again, just like I usually do, and even if I only ever manage to move a couple of steps forward at least its forward, at the moment I just feel I’m stuck on this spot!

Age? yes, that’s another factor, along with all that brings, I haven’t gone through the change yet but I am going that way, things are all to pot physically, I also have a underactive thyroid which has been playing up big time these last few months, something else that causes depression, now that the meds are sorted should I not be feeling better? yes I should, but I’m not.

So I’ll give it another week or two, and brave the docs again, though he doesn’t like giving out tablets, I feel I have to make him understand that I just cannot cope with feeling ……….or not feeling, like this anymore.

How do you make them understand without having to be stood on that bottom rung?


  1. Thank you so much Sue,this was one of my darker times, they don’t get this bad too often and I do count my blessings but it did help to write it down, I was going to remove it as I thought it sounded a bit morose and self pitying, but then I thought, no, its part of who I am after all. So thank you for your kind words! x


  2. Sue

    Hi there Bernie

    I thought I would read your blog after seeing your tweets me (to Mrs Ordinary). This one is so moving and I am sure that many of us could relate to aspects of it, me included. You write in a lovely, readable manner – keep it up!
    Sue x


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